


Never at a Loss for Words

by Mai_Blade



Category: Martin Mystère | Martin Mystery
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, I'll add them as we go, Inappropriate Humor, Mild Sexual Content, did this for a challenge on Luna, this was written ages ago so i don't remember all the warnings/tags applicable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 02:10:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mai_Blade/pseuds/Mai_Blade
Summary: Sometimes strange things happen but you and the others are never at a loss for words, no matter what the situation.





	1. Driving

It had all seemed so innocent. 

It was raining pretty hard and you had to go into town to return some books you borrowed from the public library. You didn’t have enough cash for a taxi and there wasn’t a bus service so you’d have to walk. You were trudging through the rain, cursing yourself for waiting until the last minute to return the books while trying to stay reasonably dry, when Billy pulled up in a car near you.

Apparently he was going to pick up Martin and Diana in town and when he saw you he thought he might offer a ride. If only you’d known, if only someone had told you, you would never have gotten in that car.

“Watch out for that pedestrian! _Oh my god, you’re on the sidewalk!_ **LOOK OUT!** ”

“I know what I’m doing,” Billy complained, turning the wheel and getting more or less back on the road. “Stop backseat driving, it’s rude.”

“It’s also rude to try to kill someone, you homicidal maniac! Whoever gave you your license should be drawn and quartered and then tossed into prison!” You were clutching your seat for dear life, scared out of your mind. You had your legs pressed against the floor and pushed yourself into the seat, hoping to somehow get the car to stay on the road through sheer force of will. 

“My driving isn’t that bad,” Billy protested, driving up onto the curb as he drove around a corner. “I haven’t had a bad accident in weeks.”

“A bad accident,” you wailed as he scraped against a mail box, “You mean you get into accidents all the time and _you rate them?!_ Never, _never again_ , as long as I live, will I ever, _ever_ get into a vehicle with _you_ as the driver!” 

Martin and Diana watched as Billy pulled up to the curb. They took a step back in surprise as you burst out of the car and fell but crawled quickly away from the car. They watched as you stood up and ran away, screaming back, “I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, _not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!_ ”

They looked at Billy through the open door and he grinned sheepishly and shrugged. “I guess she doesn’t like my driving.”

* * *

**To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.**

**-Katherine Paterson, Jacob Have I Loved**


	2. Shooting

Diana came to pay you a visit. 

More accurately, she tracked you down, hopped on a train and came down to the part of the country where you were staying for the long weekend. She wanted to talk to you about your joint project due soon after the long weekend. As it so happened she arrived as you and your father were heading out to hunt. 

“Hey, Diana,” you say automatically, genuinely surprised to see her as, one, it was practically the crack of dawn, and two, you definitely hadn’t told her where you’d be this weekend. You had been so _certain_ that you had managed to give her the slip and thus gotten out of working on your joint project. “We’re just heading out but you can come along if you want.”

Diana tagged along, if only to make sure she would get you to work on your part of the project after your little hunting excursion. So, you, your father, and Diana headed into the forest.

“So, how long have you been into hunting,” Diana asked queasily. Hunting made her feel ill and now she was on a hunting expedition. This was definitely not how she pictured her long weekend. 

“Oh, a long time,” you said vaguely. You were well aware that you’d been pointing toy guns and saying ‘bang’ since before you could remember, mercilessly killing your stuffed animals before moving on to living creatures under your father’s tutelage. 

“So I guess you know how to use that thing,” she said quietly, staring at the hunting rifle you were carrying.

“Of course,” you said quietly, carefully following your father further into the woods. Honestly, you don’t know how Diana can just follow two near strangers into a forest when you two were armed and she’s not. Neither of you would actually kill or threaten her, but _you_ certainly wouldn’t follow armed strangers out into a location where no one would hear you.

Diana asked, “H-How well do you shoot?”

Blithely, you replied, “Oh, sometimes I aim to please, but mostly I just shoot to kill.”

“I’m going home now,” Diana declared firmly, coming to a stop.

She turned and headed back to town. You glanced after her and grinned. Looks like you’d gotten out of working during your long weekend after all.

* * *

**Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.**

**~Bill Watterson**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, forgot to mention earlier: underlined words are the sentences from the original challenge.


	3. Buckle Up

After the terrifying incident with Billy’s driving, you finally decided to put your own license to use rather than relying on your friends who had it. If you were going to die in a car it would be because you were the crazy driver and not someone else sending you to your doom screaming, thank you very much. If there was any dooming to be done, you wanted to be the one doing the dooming, not the poor sap on the other end.

Life went on—with the occasional hiss at Billy—and it was late one evening when you were driving the car you had borrowed from your parents. Like a deer suddenly bolting out of the blue, Martin Mystery burst into out of the darkness and into your headlights, looking like he was in a rush. Seeing as it was still a long walk to the academy from there, you pulled over and offered him a ride. He hopped in, saying thanks. Eyes darting from side to side, he nonchalantly asked if you could drive faster, and, feeling rightly suspicious and mentally calling yourself an idiot for picking up a hitchhiker, even if it was someone you knew from school, you asked why. 

The reason quickly became apparent.

A blinding light abruptly enveloped your car. You screamed in surprise, half-blinded and slammed on the brakes. Squinting up at the sky through the windshield, you saw a huge object hovering over your car. 

Martin—who expected you to completely freak out—was surprised when you unexpectedly barked at him. “Buckle up! It makes it harder for aliens to snatch you from your car!”

He didn’t have the heart to tell you it wouldn’t matter either way.

* * *

**Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.**

**~William James**


	4. Krazy

If only Billy wasn’t a crazy driver. If only you hadn’t accepted Billy’s invitation to ride with him. If only you hadn’t brought your license out of disuse. If only you hadn’t stopped to give Martin a lift. 

Maybe then you’d still be living a blissfully ignorant and normal life.

You sat in a cell, as far from Martin Mystery as possible. It was his fault you were here. It was his fault and not yours, oh no, not by a long shot. You were normal. He was abnormal, and probably his close friends by default, too. This situation was his fault. If only he had had the sense to not involve you in his paranormal activities.

“You so _owe_ me for this,” you growled in his direction.

He looked at you, pausing from his search of escape, to grin sheepishly at you, “Yeah, sorry about all this. I don’t normally get captured like this but I couldn’t just leave you.”

“Oh, so now it’s _my_ fault,” you replied acidly. You glared at him. “What’s _with_ you, Mystery?”

He was about to reply when the entrance to the cell hissed open. He quickly backed up, shielding you with his own body. The aliens entered the cell and approached you and Martin. 

“Distract them,” Martin hissed at you before suddenly taking off for the entrance. 

You stared after him, shocked that he would leave you. The aliens started reaching for him when you shouted at them, “ _Hey!_ ”

They turned to you and you took an awkward fighting pose. “I don't know karate but I do know krazy and I am not afraid to use it!”

They blinked at you with weird alien eyes that had two-sets of eyelids. With them distracted, Martin was able to get to where he wanted to go. With some quick fiddling he opened a steam vent and soon had the entire cell filled with smoke. He ran back, grabbed your hand and dragged you out into the halls of the spacecraft.

_What was your life?_

* * *

**Originality is... a by-product of sincerity.**

**~Marianne Moore**


	5. Voices

Martin dragged you through the bowels of the spaceship, searching for a way out. Eventually the two of you ran headlong into a room full of the ship’s residents. The aliens quickly surrounded you two, looming menacingly. 

_Do not resist,_ said a voice.

“Don’t resist, yeah, right,” you replied sarcastically. “We’re human, bub, and we’ll resist any creepy alien that comes and tries to cage us or tie us down.”

_A failing of yours, I’m sure,_ the voice retorted. _But it truly is for your own good that you don’t resist._

You repeated indignantly, “A ‘failing’?” 

“Uh, who are you talking to,” Martin asked, trying to protect you with his arm.

You stared at him. “I’m talking to them, obviously. Can’t you hear them, too?”

Martin glanced at you over his shoulder. “I don’t hear anything.”

_The male cannot hear us._

“Why can’t he hear you?”

_Because he is male._

“So because he’s male he can’t hear you… is that all?”

_Human males do not have the capacity to hear our minds._

“So basically males can’t hear you because they’re insensitive,” you surmised. You couldn’t help grinning as you said that.

“Would you stop talking to yourself, I need to think,” Martin said.

You glared at him. “You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.”

“There are no voices! This is not the time to lose your mind!”

You stuck your tongue out at his back.

* * *

**Judge me all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself.**

**~From a Winston advertisement**


	6. Issues

The aliens used you as a telephone to communicate with Martin. Apparently they had forgotten to check in with The Center, and Martin had been sent after them. They hadn’t known their papers were forgotten somewhere and this was all just a misunderstanding.

“Ah, well, that makes sense,” Martin said cheerfully. “M.O.M. did mention that it was strange for you guys to not check in with The Center. I’ll report it was all a misunderstanding and you can fill out the necessary papers.”

Soon the aliens had dropped you and Martin off where they had abducted you from your car. You were quiet as you drove Martin back to Torrington Academy. He was sitting next to you nervously, wondering what he should say.

“So, uh, sorry about all that,” he said nervously, smiling. “It must be kind of a shock, finding out that aliens are real, but isn’t it cool? I mean, aliens are awesome! They can do so many things and–“

You slammed the brakes in front of the Academy. Martin backed away from your venomous glare as you suddenly snarled at him.

“Cancel my subscription—I don't need your issues!”

You threw Martin out of your car and sped off, leaving Martin to stare after you in a daze.

* * *

**If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out.**

**~Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds, 1916**


	7. Meat

You were getting lunch at the cafeteria the next day when Diana got into line next to you.

“So, uh, Martin tells me you guys had a little, uh, adventure last night,” she said.

“Adventure isn’t what I’d call it,” you said savagely, grabbing your tray after paying for the food. You stalked off to a deserted and secluded table with Diana following close behind. “Abnormal would be more like it,” you corrected, slamming the tray down.

Diana sat down across from you. “It wasn’t that bad,” Diana said. “Martin tells me it wasn’t anywhere near as interesting as most of our missi–He said it didn’t compare to his imagination,” Diana laughed nervously, cutting off mid-sentence in an obvious and poorly delivered lie.

You glared at your food, noticing the change in her words. She didn’t trust you? Fine, like you needed her trust! You grabbed and fork and knife and savagely cut into the steak you had somehow managed to wrangle out of the cooks. Diana eyed your plate. It was filled with mostly meaty foods.

“Don’t you think that’s a little too much meat?” She pointed out, “You have to vegetables and fruits to stay healthy, you know.”

You slammed your fist on the table, the knife glinting malevolently. Diana flinched as you spoke dangerously quietly, “I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

She backed off on the subject and you dug into your meal again. Diana gulped as you ate your meat. It was a little scary, as you seemed to be picturing throats whenever you bit into your food.

* * *

**There is a great streak of violence in every human being. If it is not channeled and understood, it will break out in war or in madness.**

**~-Sam Peckinpah**


	8. Pennies and Dollars

You had chosen to wear a skirt that day. Marvin, Martin’s long lost fraternal twin brother, chose that day to show up at Torrington Academy. 

You were lost in thought, walking slowly. Marvin, perched on a low wall, called out as you passed, “A penny for your thoughts. A dollar if you flash me!”

Diana soon found him in the shrubs behind the low wall, unconscious and a hardcover book not too far from his fallen form.

* * *

**Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary.**

**~Gandhi**


	9. Disturbed

Diana dropped by your room later that evening. She had found your name in the ‘Checked Out To’ card in the hardcover book she had found near Marvin earlier. She stopped in front of your door, staring at the sign hanging from the doorknob. She looked at the book in her hand and shrugged. 

She knocked.

“Can’t you read?” You hissed, pulling the door open violently, ready to yell at whoever it was. You paused, glancing from her to the book in her hands. “Oh, you found my book. Thanks, I lost it earlier.”

“Next time, try not to ‘lose’ it on someone’s head,” Diana advised, handing it over. 

You rolled your eyes as you carelessly tossed the book behind you. Somewhere inside your room it clattered against something, sending something crashing to the ground. You looked at Diana with a bored expression as she appeared to have more to say, “Whatever, Diana. Now, do you have some business with me, or can I close the door on your face?”

“Have you finished your part of the project?” She smelled pizza coming from your room.

“Yeah, I have,” you lied. You hadn’t even started. You smelled your pizza and were dying to dig into it.

“Great, let me see,” Diana said, cheered by the idea that you weren’t slacking off.

“No!” The smell of pizza was overwhelming to and if Diana came inside she’d only stall you from your treat. “I have adjustments to do! I have to take measurements and dimensions and colors and I _have to eat it!_ ”

You slammed the door on her face. She sighed and walked away. The sign on your door spoke true, then. She glanced back in disdain, reading it once more in a mutter.

“Do not disturb—already disturbed.”

* * *

**The belly rules the mind.**

**~Spanish Proverb**


	10. Shopping

After a terrible week of avoiding Diana, you decided to go on a shopping spree to lift your mood. While buying things that made you happy, you ran into Jenni at one of the stores. You both stared at each other for a moment before grinning.

“I didn’t know you shopped,” Jenni said, matching your stride as you headed for another store.

“What did you think I did?” You smirked, “Did you think I asked my mommy to do my shopping for me?”

“Well, maybe,” Jenni laughed, rolling her eyes. She suddenly stopped and, curious, you stopped too, while following her gaze. 

Seeing what she saw, you both squealed and ran into a store, a huge unadvertised sale going on. You were there for a long time when you both remarked at the same time, “People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop!”

You both laughed, scaring the sales people and customers alike. One mother hustled her child out of the store as your laughter rang throughout the store.

* * *

**I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.**

**~Tammy Faye Bakker**


	11. Plus Tax

You and Jenni were intercepted by Martin on your return to Torrington after your shopping spree.

“Ugh, tell me that’s not Martin approaching,” Jenni groaned, clutching her purchases tightly.

“It’s not Martin approaching,” you replied.

Jenni asked brightly, “Really?” She looked again and frowned, “Hey!”

You snickered, “Sure you’re not blonde under that hair color of yours?”

She childishly stuck her tongue out at you. Martin jumped in front of her.

“Here, let me get those for you, Jenni,” he offered, trying to take the shopping bags from her left hand.

“I can handle it,” she insisted, pulling them back from him, fearing for her purchases. 

“Leave her be, Mystery,” you commanded. “Or I’ll turn you in to the fashion police.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk,” Martin said, waggling his finger at you. He noticed something and snickered, reaching for the new shirt you were wearing. “I see you’re fifty,” he joked.

You swung all your purchases to one hand and snagged the receipt from him which had clung to you by means of static. You glared at him before shoving it in his face as Jenni made her escape, “I'm Not 50 — I'm $49.95 Plus Tax!”

Ignoring the paper in his face, he forlornly called after his crush. “Jenni!”

She called back. “See you later—(Name)!”

You laughed at his gloom.

* * *

**I like my money right where I can see it - hanging in my closet.**

**~From the television show Sex and the City**


	12. Slowest

Despite not meaning to, one lunch break you managed gathered a group of people by telling jokes. To be on the safe side you had gathered your little crowd just off campus, as most of your jokes were about women and men. You vaguely registered Martin, Diana and Billy arriving at the edge of the small crowd. 

“How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Delivering the punchline, you grinned cheekily. “One! He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.”

Diana and Billy joined in the laughing. Martin just blinked. 

A couple jokes later—one a painful pun that had your audience groaning—you broke things up by declaring the show at an end before running back to the dorms. Everyone drifted off, and only Billy and Diana noticed a mildly confused Martin standing there for a couple minutes longer.

Later that evening he came up to you, grinning. “That was a funny joke.”

You blinked, confused. “Huh?”

“Your jokes,” he clarified. “You know, the one about how many men it takes to screw in a light bulb? I didn’t get it until science class this afternoon, but when I did, I just started laughing. That was a good one, really.”

You looked at Martin sagely, placing your hand on his shoulder. You spoke somberly, all the while wanting to burst out laughing. Meeting his eyes, you passed on your wisdom.

“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”

You then left him standing there trying to get the new joke as your laughter faded into the distance.

* * *

**God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.**

**~Farrah Fawcett**


	13. Out of Mind

Diana _needed_ to contact you about the project you were supposed to be working on. She had the gnawing suspicion you weren’t even half-way done, if you had even started at all. She picked up her cell phone and dialed your number, which you had written on a gum wrapper and given to her upon her request for the information. She listened to the ringing for a few seconds before your voice mail picked up.

“I'm out of my mind – feel free to leave a message!”

Diana would never admit to Martin or anyone else, but silence comprised of the first few seconds of her message to you.

* * *

**I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.**

**~Author Unknown**


	14. Anger Management

Diana was about to give up on you for the day when she spotted you coming up the stairs in the dormitory. She ran over to you and was about to start yelling at you when you viciously stabbed a finger in her direction.

“Don’t. Talk. To. Me.”

She frowned and followed you quietly for a moment before finally asking, “What’s eating you?”

You paused for a moment before you suddenly kicked the wall and bellowed. “My anger management class pisses me off!”

Diana nodded sagely. “So _that’s_ where you’ve been all afternoon.”

You glared at her.

* * *

**Anger is a bad counselor.**

**~French Proverb**


	15. Madness

It was only a few days after the “alien incident” that you never wanted to think about again when you were abducted by Martin and Diana, who, for some reason, popped out of nowhere and dragged you into a locker that wasn’t a locker.

“I told you, we’re not abducting you,” Diana explained as you dragged your feet. You were glaring in front of you, not looking at either Diana or Martin, both of whom held you up by your arms as your group traveled along a moving platform in some place you’d never been to before. “We’re just taking you to meet M.O.M.”

“No offense, but I don’t want to meet your mom,” you complained, barely registering a mechanically voice that identified your group as ‘Martin Mystery, Diana Lombard and Guest’.

“Not our mom, _M.O.M._ ,” Diana said, emphasizing the last word and clearing nothing up.

You rolled your eyes and stood up, walking backwards as they paused to let you stand. You got on an elevator with them and soon came out in an office. A woman was sitting at a desk and she stopped her work to stand up. 

“Ah, Agents Mystery and Lombard, you’ve brought her. Good,” she said shortly. “The Ardents won’t talk through anyone but her now. It seems they like her mind.”

You stared at her as Diana and Martin gently pushed you forward. Just as you were about to comment about the status of your mind, a little green alien riding a hovercraft appeared, brightly greeting everyone in the room, including _you_. Staring blankly at it for a moment, someone spoke in such a dead voice that you felt some minor concern for them, and a distant part of your brain registered the speaker as yourself.

“Madness takes its toll – Please have exact change.”

You really could have done without the revelation that the alien was _Billy_ , though.

* * *

**No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions.**

**~Henry Ward Beecher**


	16. Sarcasm

M.O.M. explained to you who the Ardents were.

“Oh, those crazy aliens who came after the crazy guy I stupidly gave a ride to,” you said, nodding as you remembered. “I remember them,” you added acidly, glaring at Martin who whistled and looked away.

M.O.M. raised an eyebrow before lowering it, “I see.” She walked around the desk and to you. “From now on you will be the correspondent to the Ardents. Welcome to The Center.” 

She turned and walked away.

“Wait a minute,” you sputtered, “Just like that? Don’t I get a choice?”

“Oh, you get a choice,” M.O.M. said, staring at you over her shoulder. “You can work for The Center or you can _work_ for The Center.”

Staring at her through half-closed eyes, you grimly decided that you didn’t want to learn the difference between the two. Your mouth twitched before you replied resignedly.

“Sarcasm is only one of the services I offer.”

M.O.M. nodded. “So I’ve heard.”

You glared at Martin and Diana in turn. Neither of them met your gaze.

* * *

**It's just life - wake up and smell the thorns.**

**~From the movie Meet Joe Black**


End file.
